Today I Changed My Name

                         He has called me for over four years. At first, and for a long time, he was a friend, a Christian in prison in need of connection to his boy, and encouragement and someone to listen. And he  returned the favor.  I knew his son and loved him, so he felt a kinship and gratitude, I imagine, and, I also knew, he just liked to talk with me. I liked talking with him too. When he wouldn't call on a few occasions, I wrote to find out if everything was okay. Yes, it was fine, but he hadn't been able to call due to circumstances he couldn't control. There are a lot of those in prison. We wrote one another. We cared for each other's hearts and spirits. We shared wisdom with each other.
          And then something changed.  He tells me I was always in love with him. I laugh when he says this. Who knows? Maybe he's right. He asked me to be his girlfriend. This is a term that didn't seem to fit. I'm no girl, and we were, by then, more than friends. I gave arguments, reasons why it wouldn't work. But he argued back. Reasons why it would work. I said I'd pray about it, thinking to give myself time to think it over, and probably reject it.
        But then the miraculous happened. That still small voice said "This is for you. From Me. He's my blessing to care for you in Mexico" where I'd been headed for years. As it turns out, so was he.
                   Really? Could it be true? The more I prayed, the more God said yes. Through people, and through His Word.
           So I sent him my picture. And when we spoke, he told me that when he saw it, he said, "Man, I wish she was my wife."
                Wow. From friend and Christian sister, to girlfriend, and then "wife" in a few weeks.
No, not a few weeks. Several years of talking, laughing, sharing joys and some griefs, and now this amazing love.
          I asked my pastors, expecting them to say..."No way. He's in prison. You're older than him. This will never work." Instead my pastor said, "you'll know when you meet him face to face." And I did know.
          And one spiritual adviser after another, one family member after another, gave us their blessings. "We just want you to be happy."
             And that led to today, when he gave me his name and we exchanged hearts forever.
             Lord, how could I be so blessed in this life? I thought rewards were for heaven, and yet here in this world, You gave me the love of a lifetime. March 26, 2012

POSSIBILITIES

I gaze up at the tall pines, 

frosted and sparkling, 

awash with sunlight.

The sky You made is washed clean with azure

A few wispy clouds are wind-surfing.

Everywhere I look, I see evidence of Your variegated aliveness.

I see sugar pine and juniper, oak and white pine

- tall and clean, ever green.

Morning is a good time to see You.

The Longing.

        Ancient, powerful, torturous

The longing.

           What's it for?

                       I don't know.

A crying over my own

finitude.

            A grief

                over deadness

                    over emptiness

                 over distant

                    unconnectedness.

The rain

                                   envelopes my coldness.

Grey fog

                           friendly in secrecy,

covers me.

The fog understands,

Hides me from 

the joy

                      that mocks the 

                    longing.

Aching

               longing.

***

                                        Psalms 94:17

If the Lord had not been my help,

                                                    my soul would soon have dwelt in the land of silence.

November 25, 1991

Retirement?

So, I retired. Now I'm busier than ever and moving to Mexico, the place where all these truly awesome kids seem to originate. I'm married, on March 26, 2012, to one of their dads. Amazing. And the adventure has been awesome. As we wait to go, there have been numerous opportunities to love on God by loving on kids. Like the day we had a lesson in Sunday School about the "giants in the promised land." By the way, I never want to forget that "giants" and "promised land" go together!
       So here I am in Sunday School, thinking, "what can these little kids from loving families have difficulties with?"
      "Ms. Steph, my giant is that I have cysts on my ovaries." - This from a 12 year old girl who looks like she has it all together.
      "My giant is the bullies at school. They tell me I'm ugly and they don't like my hair. But I just tell myself that I'm beautiful on the inside." - She's 13, beautiful, and mixed race, black and white. Later, out of ear shot of other kids, I ask how she feels about this. That's when the tears come and I see that this "giant" she dismissed so easily in class is hurting her heart deeply.
    "My giant is that I get nervous and can't talk in class when the teacher asks a question." - He's 8, sociable, outgoing, friendly and kind. Who knew?
    "My giant is that my parents fight a lot. And I have nightmares of things in my room." - She's 9, also outgoing and sociable. This little one with night terrors after her parents' fights.
So, they aren't gangsters, they are innocent in many ways, but even these Sunday School little ones must deal with life unequipped for its viciousness. Lord, let me lead them to You. You said I could.
Love You, Jesus.
Steph