Dear God

As I drove home tonight, I thought about that last phone call, and heartsore about missing my own boys, I felt like Isaac when he met Rebecca. The Scripture says "he was comforted after the loss of his mother." Well, I am comforted after missing my grown boys so much. The call was from him, the man/child who was just graduated/released two weeks ago. He was so eager to talk to me he couldn't even pause for replies between sentences. He just talked on and on about the way he's been facing challenges and staying on task with school, and loving his family. He's a gangster born and bred, from a family of gangsters. So he told me, "I told my homies I wanted to do good, and they all said 'That's cool, Man', you know? And I'm hangin' out with regular people at school. The other day I said 'what's up' to this guy with a mohawk'". (He's got a shaved head, of course. I laughed out loud. I didn't tell him that a guy with a mohawk ever struck me as 'regular'.)

16, and he has a sweet baby girl. The comfort, and sense of undeserved trust and love, came when he said "I pulled away and spent time alone yesterday. Sometimes I just gotta be alone, you understand? I told Lisa (his girlfriend) that I couldn't talk to her, that no one would understand but you. She told her mom "Don't try to get him to talk. He just won't talk to anyone but Ms. Steph." I am always so amazed, God, when one of these great kids trusts me so much, finds me such comfort. ( I am certain I was not always this to my own boys. That lament is for another time.) He then told me how he aches because he loves his little one so much, but he's been gone, locked up for 8 months, and she doesn't know him yet. She just gets quiet sometimes and won't go to him. He said "I told her 'I'm sorry, Baby. I was wrong to be gone, to leave you so long. I won't ever do it again. And I'm going to school and I'm going to do good just for you.' I am so sorry, Ms. Steph, that I missed so much. So that's what I was thinking about when I was alone. I wanted to tell you."

I told him that in two months it would be completely different. That she would love him and reach out for him. He told me another trusted staff from our place told him that too, but he was just sad and needed to be alone. And he expected me to understand that. And I do. I did. Sometimes there's just no other solution. But to feel, and grieve, and look squarely at ourselves and know we failed our kids. And resolve never to be in the same place again. Our children bring us here, to this place of grief and change.

"So Ms. Steph, why haven't you been calling me? Just call me, cuz I might not call you sometimes, you know? And I want you to call me so I can tell you what's up. Cuz you know, I'm in school and every thing."

"Well, Hon, once kids are out, I think they just want to do their life without reminders of being locked up."

He said "Oh, Ms. Steph, it's not like that, you know? C'mon, you're part of my family, you know?"
No, I didn't know. And would never have expected it. And there's more comfort. A gift. A surprise.

So tonight, I am warmed by this vulnerability, this confidence and childlike trust, and I'm praying, God, cuz the road is wide that leads to destruction, and the way to good stuff is narrow and needs balance. Keep me praying for this one, Lord, and let me be part of the balance. Thanks for loving me through him. I know it's from You. You're the Best, the Very Best.

Your Daughter