Dear God

As I drove home tonight, I thought about that last phone call, and heartsore about missing my own boys, I felt like Isaac when he met Rebecca. The Scripture says "he was comforted after the loss of his mother." Well, I am comforted after missing my grown boys so much. The call was from him, the man/child who was just graduated/released two weeks ago. He was so eager to talk to me he couldn't even pause for replies between sentences. He just talked on and on about the way he's been facing challenges and staying on task with school, and loving his family. He's a gangster born and bred, from a family of gangsters. So he told me, "I told my homies I wanted to do good, and they all said 'That's cool, Man', you know? And I'm hangin' out with regular people at school. The other day I said 'what's up' to this guy with a mohawk'". (He's got a shaved head, of course. I laughed out loud. I didn't tell him that a guy with a mohawk ever struck me as 'regular'.)

16, and he has a sweet baby girl. The comfort, and sense of undeserved trust and love, came when he said "I pulled away and spent time alone yesterday. Sometimes I just gotta be alone, you understand? I told Lisa (his girlfriend) that I couldn't talk to her, that no one would understand but you. She told her mom "Don't try to get him to talk. He just won't talk to anyone but Ms. Steph." I am always so amazed, God, when one of these great kids trusts me so much, finds me such comfort. ( I am certain I was not always this to my own boys. That lament is for another time.) He then told me how he aches because he loves his little one so much, but he's been gone, locked up for 8 months, and she doesn't know him yet. She just gets quiet sometimes and won't go to him. He said "I told her 'I'm sorry, Baby. I was wrong to be gone, to leave you so long. I won't ever do it again. And I'm going to school and I'm going to do good just for you.' I am so sorry, Ms. Steph, that I missed so much. So that's what I was thinking about when I was alone. I wanted to tell you."

I told him that in two months it would be completely different. That she would love him and reach out for him. He told me another trusted staff from our place told him that too, but he was just sad and needed to be alone. And he expected me to understand that. And I do. I did. Sometimes there's just no other solution. But to feel, and grieve, and look squarely at ourselves and know we failed our kids. And resolve never to be in the same place again. Our children bring us here, to this place of grief and change.

"So Ms. Steph, why haven't you been calling me? Just call me, cuz I might not call you sometimes, you know? And I want you to call me so I can tell you what's up. Cuz you know, I'm in school and every thing."

"Well, Hon, once kids are out, I think they just want to do their life without reminders of being locked up."

He said "Oh, Ms. Steph, it's not like that, you know? C'mon, you're part of my family, you know?"
No, I didn't know. And would never have expected it. And there's more comfort. A gift. A surprise.

So tonight, I am warmed by this vulnerability, this confidence and childlike trust, and I'm praying, God, cuz the road is wide that leads to destruction, and the way to good stuff is narrow and needs balance. Keep me praying for this one, Lord, and let me be part of the balance. Thanks for loving me through him. I know it's from You. You're the Best, the Very Best.

Your Daughter

Grace Greater....

He was in tears, angry and hurt over the comments of another boy he looked up to, admired. "I really respected him, but he shouldn't be a leader and act like that! I said, 'Hey, Dog, don't trip!' but he still went off on me."

"I know, Hon, he's angry too. Just like you. And hurt just like you. You showed a lot of courage today to talk about your family and to tell me about what happened, the things your dad said. I'm sorry he didn't understand, and doesn't know how you respect him. He's a good leader, but he sometimes doesn't lead in the right direction."

"It felt good to talk about my Dad. I never told that to anyone before."

The 15 year old left my office, reporting that he felt much lighter and relieved. What to do about the other boy, the born leader, who from the time he could walk and talk had been encouraged to think like a gangster, to envision what gang he'd join, to wear "the uniform" of tattoos, bald heads, baggy shorts, sharp creases, big clean, crisp t-shirts, and socks pulled to the knees, to learn to take punches and kicks and not flinch? This one had come a long way, had worked to change his vocabulary, stopped calling people "dog" or "fool" (well, mostly) and tried to lead by example. He had the true respect of others for the unselfconscious way he could direct a group, command obedience without anger, and the strong example he showed of never complaining, never acting entitled to more, (except more attention occasionally).

I went to him and said, "Paco, I want to talk to you about something, because I want you to hear if from me before you hear from anyone else. I'm not sure I want to recommend you for the leadership award you are in line for. I learned from another boy that you have been treating him disrespectfully."

Instant anger. "What!? F... that! I know who it is! It's that whiner! He whines all the time! No! You want me to talk to that M...F..., don't you?! No way!"

I expected this outburst, because, while he is a good leader, he hates criticism.
"Hey, Boy, I want you to 'come up', to be more. I wouldn't bring this to you if I thought you weren't better than this. I've seen you be very kind, with other boys who might be called 'whiners'. If you knew what he's been through, you'd understand. I'm asking this of you because I believe you are more, better than what he told me. He looks up to you, Hon, and respects you. I trust you to think it over, to do what you think is best. But I wanted you to know what I expect."

I squeezed his shoulder briefly as I left. I heard him say, "F... that!" again as I walked away.

The next day, he was one of a group of boys who came to my office. He looked calm, not angry as I expected. I had prayed for him overnight, and knew that if he didn't agree to my appeal to rise above his anger, then I had to let him make that choice. I knew that God led me here, assigned this boy to me for a reason. So as he walked in the room, I smiled and asked him to help me with handing out some snacks to the boys.

"Mam, I need to wash my hands first, okay?"

"Sure", I said, and we went out of the room together to the water faucet. Out of earshot of the other boys, he smiled, and said "I did it. I apologized, like you said." (I hadn't actually asked him to go that far, since he's so good at holding grudges, so I was pretty surprised.) "That makes me really happy. I knew you would think over what I said. I didn't expect you to apologize, and I feel proud of you. You really did 'come up' farther than I thought. No wonder he looks up to you."

"Mam, he was really happy, like I matter a lot. That's weird, don't you think?" I laughed. "Boy, you don't see yourself. You are a pretty great person. You matter a lot to me too!"

Smiling, he said, "I guess I know that." And he returned to the room, replaced his smile with his 'thug mug', and passed out pizza.

And they pay me for this!

Please See Me with God's Eyes

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Please See Me with God’s Eyes

He walked into my office and slumped down into the waiting chair next to my desk. His face wore his habitual frown. His bald head, slender six foot frame, tattoos on both forearms, three dots on his hand, and clothes several sizes too big shouted that he was a ‘vato loco’.

“Hi”, I said, “I’m glad to see you. I’ve been thinking about something you said.”

Suddenly, he looked up and leaned toward me, his eyes intense and dark.

“First off, I wanna say I like it that you thought about me.”

Surprised by this vulnerability, I laughed and said,”I think about you often. I sometimes lose sleep over you.”

He smiled then, lighting up his face like sunshine, and leaned back into the chair.

“Okay, what’d you think about?”

“Well, you asked me if I thought you’d make it out, remember? My answer is, ‘you will if you cry out to God for help.’ ”

With this said, his face was cloudy again, and obviously angry. With contempt and doubt on his face he replied, “You and my gramma. I don’t wanna hear about that.”

“I know, but you’re deep, Chiquito, and there’s no way out unless you go to God with all of it and ask for help.”

“God’s not gonna help me. I’ve tried and I’m still in it.”

“I know, Honey, but you’re young yet. And some of getting out is about choices. You have such a sweet heart, one that worries about your gramma and grampa and wants to make them proud. You care for other people, and you have a conscience.”

“I know right from wrong”, he corrected me.

Everything in me wanted to reach out to this 14 year old boy and protect him, wrap my arms around him and make him safe, and save the world from his moody, disappointed rage. The one thing I couldn’t do. The one thing he had to choose for himself first, and then call on God to help.

“You think you know me” he continued, “but you don’t.”

“No, maybe not, but I know enough to know that there is a lot about you that is fine and sensitive. I’ve told you before that I think you might even make a good therapist. You’re very bright. You know what other’s feel and you have real insight. I’ve watched you reach out to other kids in group who look up to you, and say kind things that showed real understanding.”

He sucked in a small breath.

“Ms. Steph, that makes me want to cry.”

Past, Present, Future

Sifting thorugh memories of earlier days.
Stopped by The Coffee Grinder and found it closed.
Maybe because i didn't give them enough business?
Right. All me.
Think of days of turmoil and grief,
of waiting for new direction,
of destroying old paths,
seeing those ways vanish, long gone dreams.
Days of new paths, now old,
sadness, regret, gratitude and pleasure,
now become old paths.
And here I am again, wondering what new adventure lies ahead,--------
or if adventures are over.
No! Never that! For with You, Beloved, Who brought me through old paths
to new ones,
the adventure, the passion, the Life, never ends.
Yes, I know. I love You too.

Ten Random Thoughts I Live By (Sometimes...Usually)

1. They always catch the second person.
2. Sometimes it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.
3. Where there's no fuel, the fire goes out. (This is not original with me. It's in the Bible somewhere. Proverbs, I think.)
4. If you don't work, you don't eat. (Also Bible.)
5. Not all problems can be talked out.
6. God thinks I'm a good idea. He thinks that about you too.
7. Being friendly with you makes us both feel better.
8. Be early. Then you own the room.
9. I'm responsible for being unconscious.
10. Some people really don't care what you think.

Waiting

I went to check on him, see where he is and what his sentence is. They dropped attempted murder to assault with a deadly weapon, and I felt relieved, but he'll do years. He's so young, so naive about much of life, and knows too much about danger and guns and grief. His grandparents are mourning. His grandma spends hours in church praying,...maybe that's why the charges were reduced. Just turned 16, this boy. I remember long conversations about what he hoped to be, maybe a therapist...he's sensitive enough, maybe a writer. But he's so addicted to the rush! Of danger, of crime, of drugs and running away, of handling life's problems with futile anger, in ways that don't relieve him, only create more problems.

Where are you, Lord, in all of this? I know you thought he was a good idea, that you admired his young life and took pleasure in his funny stories and even some of his naive ideas, and his great heart that didn't even realize how sensitive he is to other people, how thoughtful in unexpected ways.

What's the answer, I wonder? How to reach them? There are so many of them. And now talking with those who, past 18, have been locked away for a long time. Yet their faith has grown and their "inner sight" is strong.

When did we visit you in prison, Lord? When we visited them, cared for them. Thanks for these, whose faith is astounding, even while their lives are so bleak.